However, when I see her precious son now and realize he is fifteen whereas in this photo he was five, I have to accept that reality.
I've wondered what I would say or what I would do, if anything, on this day. Initially I thought I would pass it alone in reflection. However I realize that I do that daily when I meditate.
I discussed my feelings with my son and a friend. It gave me direction to go on today and know that Jen is here in spirit with me and would want that I have a good day. She was always that way.
So, John, my son and Julie, my daughter will handle their remembrances in their own way. I, by writing this.
Yesterday I got down the big basket with all Jennifer's mementos in it to look at and reminisce. Literally, right on top of the things was something that I don't remember ever seeing before. It is a page from a calendar. Jennifer had torn the page out and so help me, the page was yesterday's date! Whoa. It sums up her philosophy of life in many ways.
She was always out feeding the homeless under the bridges or rescuing feral cats and taming them. In her last few years of life, she was raising butterflies with Christopher. She always had this aura about her - even as a child. Just like her brother and her sister, she was always giving and doing for others. Of course, I could go on and on. Suffice to say, that she is missed.
Here's what was on the top of the things yesterday. I sense that Jennifer wanted it to be shared.
JOY BEYOND FUN
I don't think any sensitive person can be satisfied with having fun, no matter how much of it we may cram into our lives. Our need is not for pleasure but for joy - a deep sense of fulfillment that not only never leaves us but actually increases with the passage of time. Fun is living for ourselves; joy comes from living for others, giving our time and love to a purpose greater then ourselves.
EKNATH EASWARAN
Thousand Names of Vishnu, p. 135
Thanks for all the memories.
Love, MOM
18 comments:
Beautiful...thank you for sharing this wonderful tribute... joy...the absolute best legacy any of us can hope to aspire to...take care...
I know exactly what you are going through. Today is the birthday of my late partner who passed away from pancreatic cancer in 2011. It's so hard to lose loved ones, and even after the passage of time, the memories, happy and sad, never go away. Jennifer sounds like an extraordinary person. I hope your day is filled with all the happy memories.
Thank you Charles, I agree.
Bill, I'm so so sorry you lost your partner. I appreciate your comment.
It's true the memories never go away but somehow the pain does, thankfully. My husband died 37 years ago and now the only memories I have are all the good ones.
It is that way with Jennifer as well. Time does help. Hugs to you.
To all! An astounding thing happened this morning. I mentioned to Josefina that today is the anniversary of Jennifer's passing and that it had been 10 years.
She said, "I know. This is the day my husband died ten years ago". She had never shared that with me although at the time she worked for me. I was gone for about two months and when I came back I was in no shape for anyone to even talk to me.
I'm shocked that after all this time she shared that the father of Brenda and Carlos died the same day as Jennifer. Ah, the stoicism of the Mexican people. A lesson for me each day.
I'm so sorry for your loss. That's a beautiful quote your daughter left for you and now all of us. She was stunning inside and out.
B: I think of Jennifer often. Truly. I know I've told you before, but she was a huge influence in my childhood, of how I wanted to be. I cannot believe it has been 10 years. I still have the program of her memorial service on my desk, as it keeps me grounded. Two summers ago, I purchased these awesome moccasin boots with fringe..quite similar to those I remember Jen wearing when she was a teenager. I used to tell myself, "someday, I'm going to have boots like that." When I saw them in a shop on Martha's Vineyard, I was taken back to 1977 and I thought of her as I laced them up, smiling to myself! I will always carry her spirit with me. Thinking of you, heart filled with love. -Jackie
Dear Barbara,
Thanks for sharing what must still be an incredibly painful memory. And thanks for sharing a little bit of a life that truly was special in many ways. Through your blog, Jen is still touching lives today.
Fond regards,
Kim G
What an amazing daughter (and mother) you raised! Her lovely spirit is most certainly still with you to lead you to calendar pages on their exact same date! Wow! Sometimes God gives us little tiny hints that our loved ones are still around us, and other times the hint downright bold and obvious! Glad the reminder was there to comfort you. What a cosmic journey these lives of ours are.
Dear Beck - Thanks so much for taking time to comment. There was so much I could have said, but, I think Jen's calendar page summed it all up.
My dear Jackie! Who would ever think that I first met you when you were 10 or 11 years old! And, more importantly that you have turned into such an amazing woman. Actually I never doubted that as you were always, always kind and thoughtful.
I so enjoy reading your blog. There hasn't been one post that I haven't said "WOW"
I also remember the beautiful letter that you wrote to me ten years ago. It is an album for Christopher some day.
I don't remember the boots with the fringe! What a wonderful memory to share with me. She was a very special person. And, I'm blessed to have two additional wonderful grown adult children to admire as I do you! Thanks, you've made my day.
Thanks Kim. She indeed does touch lives daily through her kind and loving son Christopher that she loved unconditionally for 5 1/2 years......
Lynne - You said it so eloquently. I tell you when I saw that calendar page and the date on it I truly could hardly believe my eyes. Then I just smiled.
A cosmic journey indeed.
Beautifully written . . . glad you can focus on the good memories.
Thanks Janet for commenting. Think of you often!
Your daughter was...and in a way still is remarkable. I am just a little bit envious; the good kind...the kind that is glad that you were blessed with such a extraordinary child and the bit of envy that wishes I could have been in a similar situation.
I remember other posts from you on the anniversary of her passing and now wonder why I never posted in the comments.....
Ahh, Droelma, but what means the most is that you did today.
I'm triple blessed and am so grateful that my first born was so extraordinary. Amazingly, I have a son and daughter that also are as amazing. My son lives here in SMA and people stop me all the time to tell me some story about his help and kindnesses or seeing him with his children.
My daughter in Houston lead an extraordinary life with her husband and four children......She is such a go getter who is now getting her degree along with taking care of a home, two special needs kids and is a coach and substitute teacher. Whew. I'm honored to have had all of them as my family!
Truly........
Barb-I read this with tears from sadness but also tears of heartwarming emotion at what a wonderful, giving woman she must have been and what a special Mother you are to have raised such a special person. I hope you found peace and joyful memories today.
Cheryl - I actually had a lovely day. I had built up such anxiety about the day that it couldn't have possibly lived up to my concerns.
I spent the day with friends here in SMA and it was just perfect.
I've past the stage of sadness and am in the stage of gratefulness for having had Jennifer as my daughter here on earth for 42 years and in the Universe forever........
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